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Circles of Light

We had survived the first wave of Covid. The Covid admissions at my hospital were down and we had resumed elective surgery. Things were running as smoothly as they could in the new normal.

I washed alone in the darker scrub room. I always use this scrub time to focus on the case at hand. Surgery forces one to be very mindful, unlike other high pressure jobs where you may have to multi-task. In surgery all you have to do is focus on the next case.  

I looked through to my operating theatre, the room lights bright with the scrub sister positioning the brighter operating lights for me to make my incision. Over the decades these were the third ,and by far the best, set of lights to work with, I thought to myself. Was I thinking more today, or was I just more aware?

Surgery is a privileged profession, one which captivates and entrances. It is also a demanding discipline where failure stabs at your heart with no forgiveness.  But this morning I was captivated by the lights. For the first time as a surgeon I realised the operating room light is a representation of the primeval force of fire that bound humanity by giving light in the darkness. This light was the result of our forebears discovery of fire. Nothing less. 

Back to scrubbing. Palm to back of hand. Left then right. Then each thumb. Forearms then rinse. I always worry about the waste of water. I should change to a dry scrub. But I find the noise and sensation of running water soothing.

I glanced into my theatre. My eyes focussed and stayed there.

The light shone in a circle of circles, each emanating like a ripple in a pond from a stone thrown by some child. 

It is my twenty third year of operating here. I have survived a few medical mishaps of my own: a few kidney stones, a cardiac stent, amoebic colitis, surgery for arthritis to my thumb and now I think I have COVID.

It was as if I could see the virus now. There were halos I had not noticed before. Maybe it was from all the scratches of cleaning my visor. Last week I worked with a nurse in that same theatre for two days and they tested positive for COVID after that. 

It was five and seven days since my exposure. As a health care professional I could continue to work until I had symptoms. 

But the light does not shine on premonitions.

The next day I tested positive.

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H.O.P.E.

Even as the postcards started arriving the signs of the second surge were present. The statistics are anywhere to be found but a retired colleague of my brother has done his own programming and has a useful site to look at the numbers if you need to: https://www.covibes.org

Back to the postcards. They are being collected in a box held at reception at Netcare Kingsway Hospital. 

I have collected twice and will check again next week. I feel like an old fashioned village postman.  It tugs at the memory of the film Il Postino, a beautiful film about how words can change lives.

Each time I took the pile of postcards to my office and left them in the corner of my empty desk. When my work day was over and I could focus, I sat alone and read each one. I cried easily at the intensity of emotions expressed about  how events had affected staff at the hospital. 

After each reading I went to the front desk where my receptionist Anina is protected behind Perspex barriers and shook my head in disbelief as I spoke  of the trauma. Anina scanned each one in so that the card was digitized, and from those files I was able to make the first collage that makes up the picture that accompanies this article.

One postcard ended simply: 

“No words.

Only emotions.”

There are so many emotions that we have all experienced to a greater or lesser degree, from closer or further than others. I could identify with all of them, from the anger to the zeitgeist of social distancing and lockdown of our new era.

The sense of loss is profound. Loss of family members and friends stab into your heart. The loss the nurses felt as they were the only ones to guide patients into the next world hurts so much that tears flow. 

There is anger. There is a sense of growth and achievement. There is an acknowledgement of lessons learnt. My writers have defined what is truly important to them. 

Despair makes an appearance but is won over by hope.

So why H.O.P.E.?

Hold On Pandemics End.

Keep hope alive by wearing your mask and social distancing. Think very carefully about your festive season travels if you really have to. Remember it’s as much about not contracting the virus as much as it is about not infecting someone else.